thinking...

i used to write a lot, poems, stories-anything that had to do with writing really.
for some reason i stopped. I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking of our son,
what could have been, the future, plans, etc. If I sat down and wrote, i could be at
it for hours and hours. I picture Steven smiling, cooing, wearing a diaper, and growing
so big in the 5 months since he was born and every time i think of him, i just wish we
had a better outcome and got to bring him home with us.
It's been a little while since I have gone to see Junior at his gravesite. I do plan to get there
soon, and bring him a little something from his mama.
I plan to try my hand at writing again - get some thoughts out of my head

not much to say, but it's been awhile since i blogged
lots to do in Rochester, NY these days...trying to take
it all in and enjoy the summer, hard to believe it's been 2
months since our whole experience and yet it still seems like
yesterday. just so hard to believe we had to go through it in
the first place, but, it had to happen and only God knows why.

I do what I can to get by from day to day. People may think I
am different, and perhaps I am, I've had a very hard couple months
but i am trying to work thru it. Sometimes all i wanna do is think of him
and sometimes I try to put all i can in a day and I still think of him...

Steven (Junior) will always be in my heart, over the weekend, at a picnic we
were at, the guy that held the picnic brought out helium balloons with strings...
and he passed out the ballooons to all the children there. And he then said, and
this one....and all of a sudden, that balloon that he held in his hand...slipped out of the
string ...and the balloon went sailing off into the sky and the man said, this balloon goes off to heaven! and i had to stop and think maybe it was meant for Junior to have :) It was soo
cool to think about.

I am healing and I am working daily and it will always be a part of me, i know i
prolly say that every blog, but I love him so much and just wish he were here,
but he's in the perfect place for a perfect child to be in, in God's arms ;) and with his
family that have gone to heaven already.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY EVERYONE!!! :)

*we will always remember you, Steven, Jr.!*

catching up...

well...i went back to work full time a couple days early, as my doctor
said i could go back when i felt ready. I only really felt stir crazy toward
the end. I got a lot accomplished in the 3 days i was there. I had a lot of
catching up to do after being out for nearly 6 weeks. The girl that filled in
did what she could, but there were things she couldn't do, so it waited for my return.
No Biggie.

Sat....it was a funny day. It was sunny, cloudy, sunny, cloudy. pouring rain, 2 minutes
later sunny. how odd. I feel bad for people who held garage sales as if any were out in
the driveway it might have gotten a little crazy...that' s why i don't hold my own garage sales anymore. It's just more work than anything and people aren't interested in what i want to
get rid of, why would they want it if i don't anymore? lol. oh well. Then i went to my Dad' s and had dinner, and visited for a bit, and then we went to visit Steve at the park (work).

Sun - just having a lazy day. getting stuff done for the new week. Groceries, got to see Jr., going to watch a movie and playing on the internet until Steve gets home from work. I also got some kind of order together for our bills, and my purse...wow, they say (financial people - i think susie Orman) inparticular that your life represents how your wallet is. OH BOY! Until this morning, there were PENS, receipts, debit card and insurance card out of place, it was very unorganized. I can say i feel much better now. :)

This week i have to do monthend, i want to clean my desk, organize/file paperwork, and get it all done while also answering phones and doing tenant work as well. lol. we'll see.

i wanted to put a blog in that wasn't specifically about Junior in today...As i think about Junior everyday...i do other things as well...

just what i needed...

my sister sent this after her friend had sent it to her, get your tissues ready it's so beautiful!

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked "What makes a Mother? " And I know I heard him say A Mother has a baby This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother ...When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied With confidence in his voice I give many women babies When they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a lifetime And others for the day And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared his throat And then I saw a tear I wish I could show you What your child is doing today If you could see your child smile With other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with Me Until your lessons are through And on the day you come home they'll be at the gates for you
So now you see What makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start Though some on earth May not realize Until their time is done Remember all the love you have And know that you are A Special Mom
Author Unknown

hope...

today is the first day in over a month where my heart doesn't feel so heavy
where i actually smiled instead of cried and even shared a laugh. Today I feel that
there is at least for the present time hope for us, our future, ourselves.

Hope to me means something you look forward to. That somehow, someway, the darkness
will eventually subside and light will shine in. It will awaken us and make us aware of it's presence. There is hope in everything we do, every little thing brings us that much closer to
getting through. Notice i didn't say getting over, there is no getting over this. But I just realized that I don't have to be down all the time, i can smile at the little things that come into my day to give me that much peace.

I was reminded today as i said, "I don't want to wait" -due to waiting for good news to come our
way after a solid few months of bad news that God will make everything alright. But, he does it..
In HIS time, not ours. So for now, I will have to wait and hope for God's miracles to see us through but as they say, he doesn't put us through anything we can't handle. He gives us these
experiences and we ask why? well, maybe he takes us through it so we can be of help to others
who are or will go through the very same thing. I have met a few friends and I am So glad that they are here in a time i need it most, but also a little sad because we prolly wouldn't have met if we didn't share the same tragic experience.

I can only do what i can to make myself a little better every day. a smile here, a kind word, just sharing what helped me a little bit, and enjoying the sunshine because that can make anyone feel good .

So, here's to hoping...for the best
steph

one...

well, it's been just over one month since we lost Junior. One day I hope that I will be at peace with it, but for now it just hurts so much. We have been dealt so many whammys in the course of a month, it's been hard to think of "good things"to keep us content. These are some of the good things I can come up with: Junior will always be my perfect baby. He will never know the hurt of this world, will not experience pain, he is loved by so many people, and made such a difference in the short time we had with him (i am counting the 7 months i carried him). I also think this experience will bring us closer together.

This picture is of Juniors gravesite. We are going to get him a headstone but we're taking our time picking just the right one for him. For now the funeral home provided us with a marker. It is so peaceful in the cemetary he is in and I go nearly every day. It doesn't feel right to me if I do not go. Lucky it's right down the road from us.

One thing I wish i had done is take more pictures of him with our camera-i didn't expect this to happen so I wasn't "prepared". They took pictures of him during the 3 hours we got to be with him after he was born but i wish i had some personal pictures.

It's been really hard this past month. I have never had to deal with this much grief and I feel like I have gone through many of the stages only to be brought right back to Square one. Man does that stink. Sometimes it makes me think that it's not good to be happy, but i know that the happier i am the faster i will heal. I will never be 100% over this, he has left his mark on me but i do know i can get better. Each day i can do things to better myself and get healthy.

I am going to go to a support group next Tues. For anyone who doesn't know me i am a very private person, so to go and tell other people i don't know what happened to land me there i am a little petrified. But...maybe this is to make myself a little more extroverted, make some new friends, teach me how to "publically speak". I just know that this may be the one thing that makes it that much easier to try and get through this.

So...Junior this one's for you...love u and always will!