well, it's been just over one month since we lost Junior. One day I hope that I will be at peace with it, but for now it just hurts so much. We have been dealt so many whammys in the course of a month, it's been hard to think of "good things"to keep us content. These are some of the good things I can come up with: Junior will always be my perfect baby. He will never know the hurt of this world, will not experience pain, he is loved by so many people, and made such a difference in the short time we had with him (i am counting the 7 months i carried him). I also think this experience will bring us closer together.
This picture is of Juniors gravesite. We are going to get him a headstone but we're taking our time picking just the right one for him. For now the funeral home provided us with a marker. It is so peaceful in the cemetary he is in and I go nearly every day. It doesn't feel right to me if I do not go. Lucky it's right down the road from us.
One thing I wish i had done is take more pictures of him with our camera-i didn't expect this to happen so I wasn't "prepared". They took pictures of him during the 3 hours we got to be with him after he was born but i wish i had some personal pictures.
It's been really hard this past month. I have never had to deal with this much grief and I feel like I have gone through many of the stages only to be brought right back to Square one. Man does that stink. Sometimes it makes me think that it's not good to be happy, but i know that the happier i am the faster i will heal. I will never be 100% over this, he has left his mark on me but i do know i can get better. Each day i can do things to better myself and get healthy.
I am going to go to a support group next Tues. For anyone who doesn't know me i am a very private person, so to go and tell other people i don't know what happened to land me there i am a little petrified. But...maybe this is to make myself a little more extroverted, make some new friends, teach me how to "publically speak". I just know that this may be the one thing that makes it that much easier to try and get through this.
So...Junior this one's for you...love u and always will!
I am sooooooooooooo glad that you are going to a meeting. I went to my first 'meeting' over five years ago and I can tell you it saved me- and I still go today- every month- now more as the supporter than the supported- but I loved sharing his story- saying his name. And I can also tell you that sharing his story here and at the meetings and with others will make his life so much more! Don't keep it to yourself- he has many lessons to teach you as do all of our children- living here and in heaven- I can tell you that those lessons will unfold over time and you will see more and more good because of his life. You are a wonderful mother- Hang in there- it's so raw and will be for a long time but eventually there will be a scab that will form- it will never go away but it will be o.k. Wishing you God's peace!
ReplyDeleteHugs-
L
thanks Laura, that means alot to me :)
ReplyDeletetoday is the first day my heart doesn't feel as heavy as it has :)